Baseball rules to live and die by

Or at least ones to know if you’re going to a game with me

 Ketchup is a sin. Unless you’re my dad (who could do no wrong in my eyes), you are never allowed to put ketchup on a hot dog.

Manners- Please and thank you go a long way. You know what goes an even longer way? Tipping. Don’t be a dick, those vendors are out there rain or shine, snow or heat wave, and even thought they’re “in the park” they are not enjoying the game the way you are, so open your wallets and show them how much you appreciate them. (This is also a general rule of life. Please, Thank you and gratuity.)

Stadium Rules- Know what your stadium does and does not allow. Look it up. Google is easy to find and even easier to use. Don’t hold up the line because you didn’t know you couldn’t bring in your selfie stick. Also, do you need a printed ticket or do they only allow electronic?

The Wave- I’m against it. I won’t do it. But you do what you want to nerd.

Foul Balls- It’s customary that you give a foul ball you catch to the sad looking kid next to you. I’m for that. To a point. Girls gotta have a sourvenir for herself at some point, right?

Homerun ball- Homeruns are fun. But I’m absolutely for the fact that if you snag an opposing teams dinger then you throw it back. Kev will disagree with me on this, but I can’t keep it knowing that it was from another team.

Peanuts- yes, I’m all for eating peanuts and dropping shells. HOWEVER- this does not apply to the bars/restaurants you go to before/after the game. Don’t be an asshole and leave shells on the floor of a place that’s not called Texas Road House or your own home.

Swearing- Eh, this could change depending on the day you ask me and how my team is doing. HOWEVER, I expect as an adult at a sporting event, that I can express myself in a reasonable way. So I expect that an adult who brought a child to said situation also knows that. So, within reason, I will try to contain myself. But I’m not going to hinder my experience for a f*cking amazing time because someone has a child within ear shot.

Bringing a mitt to a game- (as an adult, and by adult, I mean anyone who can legally drive): My take, no. (Wo)man up and catch the ball in your bare hands (or better yet, your beer) and worry about your bruises (or financial loss of a $8 brew) later. Or better yet, revel in your 5 minutes of social media fame when you make the twitter rounds.

Don’t talk about a “No-…”-Know what, let’s not event mention it” in progress.

Jerseys- Pick a jersey. You don’t get to cut your home jersey and your away jersey and sew them together to make one. Pick one. It’s not that hard. Or pick two and wear them to different games. Do not, under any circumstances wear a split “home-away” jersey. On that note, please don’t put your name, the number 69 or “#1 Dad” on your shoulder blades. You’re not a Mandelbaum, so don’t try it.

Paper tickets- I hate electronic. Not a rule, but more of a rant.

Heckling- Do it- if you’re creative. Don’t sit in the outfield and just yell “Mooooooookiiiiieeee” for 3 hours. It’s annoying and you look like a fool. Be creative, make fun of his batting average, a missed fly ball, anything. Just don’t chant his name like it’s going to sway his field coverage at all.